me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
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Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Worlds greatest photobomb
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.