Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?