Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.