*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I know a bad idea when I see one.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Day 2 of my diet
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge