Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
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Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall