Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
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Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.