*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
so much to do
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
How wrong was this guy?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats