There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
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Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Very good! 👍😂
Hot Hot Hot
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
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depression for dummies
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked