Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
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help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.