scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
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I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Shortcut
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”