WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
You Might Also Like
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there