[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
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This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My favorite female superhero
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
My favorite animal is fried chicken.