[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
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My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
We’ve come full circle
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?