Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
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When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Raisins are grape jerky.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.