i’m still crying at this
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂