Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this