Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Autocarrot sucks!
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.