[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
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I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY