my retirement plan is braless
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Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The glockness monster
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Breaking news:
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.