Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
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H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
That eye roll….
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*