my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?