“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.