Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
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When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar