I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
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If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.