The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
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I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
hey, alexa
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.