Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
translated into Canadian
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not