Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now