Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
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What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*pronounces patio like ratio
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.