Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
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“no gods no masters” = leo
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I have never related to a cat more
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately