Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
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I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
I have never heard an armadillo before.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently