It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
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[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Who.
Did.
This?
Don鈥檛 let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn鈥檛 an extremely effective parenting manual.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I鈥檇 jump at the chants.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what鈥檚 his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
A young guy at work asked me if I鈥檓 ready for Christmas.
I鈥檓 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I鈥檓 not even ready for today.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 馃檨
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I don鈥檛 think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I just spent 拢16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who鈥檚 been asked what鈥檚 in their mouth.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.