Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
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Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Does your wife know you’re single?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this