I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Waiting for the Charmin
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it