Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
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Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
How times have changed.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes