Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.