I can’t stop watching this.
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Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Just say no
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
FRED: right
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.