*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children