Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
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[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan