I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.