Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
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An odd boast
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen