him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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These are too funny not to post 😂
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Breaking news:
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My patience has stretch marks.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.