I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
You Might Also Like
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.