Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.