Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
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Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
lmfao come on
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Me, in DM rooms…
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Meow?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?