me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
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Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
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