I weigh at least 17 squirrels
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My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home