Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*