I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
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Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*