Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
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Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
*bites zombie*
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.