The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
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OMG 🤣🤣
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.